Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
