I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
