Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
