ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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