At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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