Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
My legs feel like baby dolphins
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Randomize
