yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
