Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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