Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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