Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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