I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
