Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
