Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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