I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
How drunk are you?
Completed.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
