Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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