I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I think I just shit out all my problems.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
