my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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