I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
