I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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