I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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