separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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