I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
is it fun? or sober?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
