I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My feet surprised me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
