I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
