Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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