Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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