i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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