I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
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