The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
