mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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