I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
