Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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