the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
