My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
