this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
