Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
