i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
