i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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