I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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