I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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