I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
