get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
