I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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