Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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