I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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