You smell like stripper and shame
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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