in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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