Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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