you guys were way drunker than both of me
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
