is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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