I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
