we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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