I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
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