I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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