I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
