just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
i think my cat just said my name.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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