I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Randomize
