just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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