When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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